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[17 Jan 2007|08:30pm] |
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it gets a little easier each day.
today was the first day i was completely alone since he broke up with me, and i completely broke down. i had to. i think that a big reason why it gets to me is because i feel as though i am losing my best friend in a way, and yes, in a way.. i am. we're never going to be able to have this again. it's like i broke up with my best friend LOL. but.. it's hard.
i'm just going through a rough patch in life right now. i miss my mom a lot. i don't know if i mentioned this, but we talked saturday and she seemed sad and she said that 'it's not working out with jim' and i was just completely shocked. she still can't talk about it till saturday.. but i miss her so much..
american idol really makes my day.
so does the video me and kelly made. [i'll put it on here once i get it on youtube.]
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[16 Jan 2007|08:56pm] |
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mood |
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i feel like the biggest idiot alive right now.
why is it that when you get pushed away, you want that thing more? i don't know. i was never happy with him! but why do i want him back so bad? there is something wrong with me.
i sent him a message on myspace saying sorry. [what the fuck did I do?] and i said i think we rushed into things too fast & that i wanted to be friends.
he IMs me today saying why do i want to still be friends. and basically, i just got ripped up by him. saying that all i ever did was sit there. and that i barely talked. and that he decided to give me a chance to see if his feelings would change but they didn't. there's so much stuff i want to say to him, so much anger bottled up, but i can't. all i said, was 'ok i understand.' but i don't. i don't understand why you would stay with someone you're unhappy with and wait till they are attached to break it off with them.
i am hurt. i feel like the biggest idiot, the biggest vulnerable idiot for trying to ask for his friendship. what am i thinking? what is my problem? i just wish that i could erase him.
he never made me happy. that's the truth, from the beginning of the relationship.. was i happy? NO. from the fucking day i met him i knew he was not my type. and we both got into something that we thought we'd give a chance, and even though he was nothing i wanted, I GOT ATTACHED. i don't know how it happened, but it did. and i regret it with every fiber of my being.
he is trash.
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[15 Jan 2007|07:47pm] |
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mood |
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melancholy |
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so me and ken are no longer.
thursday i invited him over my house and we sat in my room in my bed, something was different but i couldn't tell what. he came back in after he left before my dad got home to use my phone and i was like, my dad's going to be home any minute. well, he pulls up and then i have to make up an excuse. and he IMs me and doesn't even say sorry. then the friday in school kelly tells me he looked miserable. i felt horrible the whole day.
i recieved a message from him saying that he couldn't do this anymore because he wants a girl who is more wild and fun and that i was just not the girl he thought i was. i replied to him saying-
yeah, i could tell something was wrong... you were acting weird. i was really hurting all week thinking about things, because i wasn't happy either.. for a while now actually.. new years eve i even went outside & started crying but you were too drunk to notice.
but it's funny because from the start of our relationship you knew i was straight edge and you said you were okay with that & you respected that. and you knew i didn't want to begin a relationship that was just going to last for a month and a half.
...but i took that chance, because i saw past the drinking & smoking.. because i thought hey, maybe i'm wrong & he'll see something in me that most guys don't. most guys look past the fact that i'm a sweet girl with a big heart & so much to offer.
...nope.
sorry i'm not wild & outgoing, i could of told you that from the beginning.. but whatever. a month and a half wasted, & i even fucking had sex with you (which is something that i only do with people i have FEELINGS for) but whatever.
have fun finding that wild & outgoing chick.
oh, & don't be sorry.
he replied saying he told me that he wanted a 2 month relationship, which he NEVER said to me. never. nope, not once. then he said never had a problem with me being straightedge. yeah right. then he said all i did was complain, which really wasn't true. i might of said complaints here and there, but it wasn't like i was saying them all the time. and seriously, what girl doesn't complain? i recieved this friday night at catie's and wrote back in the car when we were going to reading-
yeah i guess that you forgot that you told me that you hate starting things that don't last. not once did you ever say you wanted a 2 month thing, i wouldof remembered that. but its whatever, you really don't know me, like you said before 2 months is not enough to know someone. i know i have a lot to offer and i'm glad you don't realize that, i'm glad you don't see that i'm not like a lot of girls who play games. but fuck it.. you don't deserve someone who cares as much as me. i really did care about you and i was willing to make it work because i saw past your flaws.. yet all you can do is pick apart mine. i'm sorry, i really am.. but you contradicted yourself so much.
bye.
this is taken from my hand written journal-
i really am not okay right now. i haven't felt like this since bill broke up with me. i promised myself that i would not get hurt again, and i let my guards down & allowed myself to trust him.
all i feel is a lot of regret, all over again. i can't believe that i thought i might love him. i'm sick to my stomach when i think about him. he didn't even say it right, he told me he wanted a more wild and fun girl, but why did it take him a month and a half to realize that?
i feel so used, it's sick.
how can you lead someone on like that? it's cold.
but apart from all this hurt, i'm relieved that i don't have to go through the anxiety of being uncertain. the worst is over. i thank god that it happened now rather than any later. any later when i was even more attached.
i truely believe that everything happens for a reason. maybe something bad was going to happen if our relationship progressed. maybe we would of gotten into a car accident or i could of gotten pregnant or i could of gotten even moreso attached and gotten hurt much worse. i could of became the person i ultimately despise: the girl who just settled because he was the only one there, i could of caved in and started drinking, he couldof taken more advantage of me.
there are so much more positive things that came out of this breakup, but why am i hurting so immensely?
what is it about me that makes me so hard to love? is it that i don't open up fast, that when i do open up, i open up & give away a lot of my trust? i can't help but feel like it is my fault.
i know that i deserve much more than what i give myself credit for. i am one of the kindest girls and i have a big heart with a lot of love within it. i know ken wasn't worthy of the love i had to offer.
i'm still not okay though. when you break up with someone it's weird. because you're so used to being with them. now i have to get used to being alone. it doesn't feel right. for some reason i want to tell him I'M sorry. but what did i do? i know i'm not at fault, he is.. but i know he will not say sorry. i really cared about him.. and i am still hurting. kelly told me he seemed low last night, that he didn't say much. i wonder if this is eating away at him as much as it is with me? i highly doubt it, but i wonder..
i don't want another boyfriend. that's the last thing i want right now. i went 2 whole years of being alone before ken. maybe i just needed to be hurt again. i was alone. and now i am just numb. i don't want anything to do with the male species.. for quite some time now.
i thought that i had my fair share of being hurt. i see so many happy couples. why can't i have that? i have never been in love. every relationship i have ever been in was.. unhealthy. in some way. but how do you know if someones not right for you if you don't take a chance? i think you should ALWAYS trust your first instinct. what you think of them at first..
i don't know.. it honestly did get old. the whole routine with me and ken. i didn't see it going much farther. we'd go to bob's and watch tv. on weekends we'd rarely do anything eventful, a lot of the times ken drank. i couldn't drink even if i wanted to, my dad would kill me and him if i came home drunk.
i am hurt. & i don't know how long it's going to take for me to shake this feeling.
i want someone who will respect me, no mater what, a guy who, when i say "i'm cold" gives me his jacket even if he is freezing and doesn't want to tell me to shutup. i want something truely genuine. the kind of love that makes people cringe or go "aww". i want a boy who i can truely be myself aroud, a boy who i won't have to be scared of what i'm going to say next when i'm with him. when i kiss him, it'll feel perfect, every time. i won't have any doubts if he will be there or not. he will come over my house at 2am to eat peanut butter& jelly sammiches in our jammies, then we'd play tetris while listening to our favorite songs. does this such boy exist? & why is he taking so long to come into my life?
my feelings are honestly all over the place, i'm trying to keep my head up & stay strong..
there's one person i know i wouldn't be able to keep strong if i didn't have. kelly dougherty. she is my backbone. i can't quite explain exactly what she means to me. she is the definition of a best friend. she is like my big sis. she looks out for me, she makes me look forward to the future. she has helped me evolve into the person i am today. sometimes i don' know how she puts up with me, but never has she judged me & i will never judge her either. she deserves all the happiness in the world.
i know things are going to be strange these next couple of.. months or so. as uncertain as i was with ken, i kept telling myself it was all in my head. i honestly made myself believe that we were going to work out.. and that really hurts.
i am utterly disgusted with the path you trek. as inebriated as you can get off your latest pay check. i am at a loss for words here. i hate to break this to you but being a coward is not a legitimate career. 10 bucks says you don't have it in you, to conquer fear and quit believing what they tell you to. you are careening shamelessly into oblivion. you will live alone with your chemicals and gin - the spill canvas.
the spill canvas means a lot to me right now, those lyrics mean so much. music is so important to me at times like this.
if i got over what bill did to me, i can certainly get over this. but right now, i am hurting so bad. i feel it all over. my body aches. my head throbs. and i have no desire to eat. i pretty much have been forcing myself to eat these past few days.
i don't even want to really be around anyone feeling like this, because i am just so down. but i knew that i had to get myself out of the house this weekend and that is why i slept over catie's friday and then we went to reading saturday and her friend had a photoshoot using us as models. then i slept over kelly's, and felt much better, but as soon as i got back yesterday the feeling came back to me. i just need a little time to myself, to think. and i'm pretty sure no one wants to be around me when i'm like this. i apologize. i'm just a mess.
i made a mistake my falling for a bad boy, i thought i saw good within him, but i was wrong & got hurt. i just need some time for this hurt to sink in and start to fade..
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[10 Jan 2007|09:36pm] |
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mood |
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crappy |
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so today i took off & had myself a katie day. then tonight i went out with ken & we went to nowhere other than bob's. woopwoop.
i'm so hungry right now, i'm making some fries because my stomach is growling like a mad man. my dad just said "you're watching your weight right now why don't you have just a bowl of cereal?" HAHA, all i had besides breakfast today was noodles & cheese.. i'm hungry & i'm gonna eat. he's so fucking annoying. watch him take off again tomorrow. "my neck hurts." god damn. he's really starting to get to meee.
i've been really depressed lately & i'm trying to find out why but can't. just can't. i really have to keep up with the zoloft.. to see if it actually has an effect on me.
the end.
edit:
i know why, it's just dumb.
- i miss my mom A LOT.
- my dad is constantly around me.
- school. everything about it.
- not knowing what to do about after highschool.
- my appearance.
- being scared of getting hurt again in my relationship.
- i feel like i'm a horrible friend.
things are kind of a mess in a weird way.
some things i can't change, some things can possibly change.
but as of right now.
MESS MESS MESS. scattered feelings.
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[09 Jan 2007|09:20pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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you know what.. i'm giving myself a katie day tomorrow.
a katie day is a day that i stay home from school, sleep late, wake up and have a big breakfast, sit around & watch maury & jerry springer in my peejays, waste time like no other.
i'll have my dad call me in sick saying i have "senioritis", because.. well.. IT'S QUITE EVIDENT THAT I DO.
then when ken gets home from work i'll go hang out with him, probably go to bob's house, come home & then it'll be thursday.. and hopefully by then my dad will decide his next is feeling better and can make it back to work. then everything will be back to normal. jeezus.
i just hate not being able to spend time ALONE with my boyfriend. because it's better than being surrounded by people, you can just focus on each other..
oh well. my face is breaking out. dumb fucking birth control. plus the derm said it might break out.. and take 2 months to work.. that's really exciting huh? & i'll probably gain weight from being on it. bleh.
anyway, this entry was REALLY negative.. i'm not this much of a miserable person i just get really fhjgbjfdgfd over certain things. that's life, yeah.. i know. but isn't the point of having a 'journal' to write about your feelings? well, today these are mine.
i wonder where i'll be a year from now. i'll be graduated from high school, and it'll be 2008. i'm pretty sure that i want to go to a beauty school, either jean madeline or empire. my parents are not helping me right now. most of the girls in my school are already accepted to fucking colleges. i don't know.. i really don't.
i wonder if me & ken are going to last a long time. what a dumb question to ponder on when we haven't even been together for 2 months. but, hey, can't help but wonder. he makes me happy most of the time. i can see us lasting a long time. our personalities mix just the right way. i mean.. who knows what could possibly happen with us, relationships are so confusing.. but i'm willing to make it work because he does mean something to me.
i wonder if me & kelly will be as close after this high school frenzy. i never wouldof thought that we'd have boyfriends that are best friends. it's the best thing i could have ever asked for. i get to spend time with my best friend, and my boyfriend all at the same time. nothing's better. but how long does something this good last? i hope kelly & bert last long. those two make me happy. just seeing her with him, happy, in love, that.. makes me happy.
this stuff scares the living hell outta me. honestly..
so many things are possible of changing within a year. i just want things to get better. i am honestly scared shitless of 'growing up' more so than most people my age.
i don't know.
i'm so tired. this felt good to get out. & this journal isn't even 'friends only'.. because i don't really care. i have nothing to hide anymore. no more locked up feelings.
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[09 Jan 2007|08:42pm] |
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mood |
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 pissed off |
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I'M GOING TO RIP MY HAIR OUT. my dad has been home from work for TWO WEEKS and he was supposed to go back tomorrow but he told me he's fucking staying home. it just put me in the worst mood. i'm sick of him being here constantly, i need some time to be alone not just up here in my damn room.. and i was really looking forward to me & ken getting to spend time with each other tomorrow but noppppeee. :( ugh..
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[08 Jan 2007|05:18pm] |
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mood |
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exhausted |
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not happy right now..
school today was the most boring day i've had in a while. every period literally felt like 3 hours.. it was horrible. then after school i had a dermatologist appointment & fucking waited 45 minutes just for her to see me & fucking say keep taking your meds and shit. it was horrible. i have the worst headache, i got home here and started bawling & took ibuprofen.
shit fucking sucks.
i'm done with it.
all my aunts & uncles are coming here tonight for a 'family meeting' to discuss the situation with my grandma.. she's back in her house from the nursing homes. i have a lot of aunts & uncles.. and with the way i'm feeling i really don't feel like being around them
i'm just having a bad day..
goal : to get homework done & go to sleep early
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[07 Jan 2007|09:28pm] |
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 good |
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i love life sometimes, so much.
everything's good, everything's good.
yesterday i went out to eat with my sister and mom. it was really good. we talked about stuff. i asked if i could get my septum pierced for the 73485th time and my mom still refused. i think i'm done asking her.. oh well. she ain't cavin. :( then we went to pick up sam & she dropped us off here. i didn't know what we could possibly do.. mayfair is soo boring. we ended up watching some movie, too young to be a dad on lifetime. then her boy called her and said he could come down or something, and i talked to ken and asked him if he wanted to hang out with us and he said he'd come get us, so we hung out with ken, and went to nowhere other than bob's house. then went to bert's house. then went downtown. it was me, sam, ken, bert, kelly, bob & kathyra. sam's boy was supposed to come but ended up not being able to or something. so we went downtown. it was chilly as hell & the flats that i bought i wore with no friggin socks which ended up giving me HORRID blisters.. no fun. they were all bloody.. and they hurt like hell. haha, but it was still fun. we basically just walked around old city. went past some gay ass nightclubs surrounded by gangstad out dudes and girls with fucking belly shirts on. hahaha. um. i was in pain by the end of the night so i didn't pay attention to much else besides for the fact that my foot was throbbing. we had to walk back to market street where ken was parked & that was baaad. haha, don't know how i did that. ken dropped us off at like 12ish. twas a fun night, random, but fun.
today me & sam woke up at like 10 and made some good breakfast. then sat around. she left at like 1. she wanted me to come over her house but i couldn't because i felt like i had a knife in my side & had like 4898989 pounds of wash to do, plus the dishes. :[ gah. so i couldn't go. did my wash & stuff. oh, & at 3 i started the first day of my birthcontrol.. yeah..
by 4 i had nothing to do & ken was online so i ended up just asking him to come pick me up so he did and we went to bobs house and watched the eagles game there. we won! yeaaahh. i want to go to superbowl so bad nowww. but we won't just because we're the eagles.
hahaha. now it's almost 10 & i'm home. tomorrow is monday. i'm glad, because i like the week.. i like bringing ken over my house & getting to spend time with just him. it's never just me & him. ever. espescially since my dad has been home for what seems like a fuckin eternity now. can't wait for him to go back to work. that sounds mean.. but it has been forever now
okay well, i'm gonna eat & try to unwind..
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[06 Jan 2007|12:39am] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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got to see my kennyo tonight. i gave him a big hug & told him i missed him. me him bert kelly bob and kathyra went to see rocky hahahaha. it was so good thoughh! i didn't think it'd be that good. ahaha. after that we basically wondered.. drove aimlessly.. the usual shit. went to bob's house & watched the chapelle show hahaha. ken drove me home by 12.
got in & watched the new degrassi. WHICH WAS SO GOOOOODDD!! i'm not giving anything away if any of you watch it & didn't see it.. but if you couldn't tell from the preview's craigs a crack addict. he's always been my favorite. & someone is going to die.. ahhhhhh!!!!
so tomorrow me and sam are hanging out. and we're having a sleepover. i can't wait, because i miss that girl to death! we're going to have quite a bunch of fun
hahahaha OH YEAH.. ken's new years resolution to "quit smoking" isn't working i guess.. because he did tonight. like three times. he says he's seriously going to stop, but i know he won't. eh. no big deal.. i guess. actually, it kinda is.. but come on, it hasn't even been a week since new years & he's smoking again. HAHA, c'mon..
i'm so tired. i actually got some sleep last night.. and woke up early and i couldn't sleep anymore so i showered & got ready & got into school early. but tonight i felt EXHAUSTED.
sooo me and ken are good. he said he was sorry for not really seeing me this week because he was lazy, which i can understand. but.. after being in such a sour relationship before has done it's damage on me to the point where i question his intentions.. can't help that. but we're good, i know. i really do like him a lot.. it's somewhat more than live obviously, but i just hope that he feels the same way about me because sometimes i really can't tell..
i don't know, i'm not worried about anything. i don't even think that it's appropriate to mention the "l word" until after.. a couple of months.. or so. even though i know it's possible to love someone sooner than that. i like how this relationship wasn't rushed.. and how it's still progressing at the right pace. it's right for me.
i can honestly say that right now.. i don't want to get hurt. ken has gotten past the katie who doesn't give a fuck. i admit, i'd be hurt if he ended this. and i'm always prepared for stuff like this after shit that has happened in the past.. i think about what'd i do/say. but it would hurt.. and THAT is what scares the fuck out of me. i mean, it's not like it would hurt even half as bad as the hurt i've been through, but just the thought of it.. is frightening for me. i mean, i don't think that ken would do something like that.. but you never know. that's all i have to say. that's one lessen i had to learn the hard way..
i don't know, i'm just rambling.
it's late.. and i'm tired.. my rooms a mess too. but i'm not worrying about that till tomorrroowowow
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[04 Jan 2007|06:57pm] |
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mood |
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tired |
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lil tilly is sitting on my lap. she's gotta be the cutest kitty ever. i love her. she's my baby.
so last night my body didn't want to let me sleep. i laid down at 11ish, attempting to fall asleep.. and by the time 12:45 came around i restlessly went downstairs & made myself soup.. watched some degrassi. laid down again & STILL was wide awake tossing & turning. the last time i remember glancing at the clock was at maybe.. eh, 2? 2:30? all i know is that waking up today was so hard & today i felt like a fucking walking zombie.
tomorrow's friday.. thank god.
i miss ken. maybe it'll be good that we went a little while without seeing eachother.. who knows. i wish he'd get his cellphone turned back on so i could call him. & i wish he'd call me more. & he's never really online. whatever. right now it's just whatever.
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